¡°It¡¯s OK That You¡¯re Not OK is a permission slip to feel what you feel, do what you do, and say what you say, when life finds you in a place of profound loss and the world seems hell-bent on telling you the right way to get back to being the person you'll never again be.¡± ¡ªJonathan Fields, author of How to Live a Good Life, founder of Good Life Project
¡°Megan Devine has captured the grief experience: grief is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be honored. She understands the pain that grieving people carry on top of their actual grief, including the pain of being judged, dismissed, and misunderstood. It¡¯s OK That You¡¯re Not OK is the book I¡¯ve been waiting for for 30 years¡ªthe one I can recommend to any newly bereaved parent, widow, widower, or adult grieving a death.¡± ¡ªDonna Schuurman, senior director of advocacy and training at The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families
¡°In this beautifully written offering for our broken hearts, Megan Devine antidotes the culture¡¯s messed up messages about bearing the unbearable. We don¡¯t have to apologize for being sad! Grief is not a disease from which we must be cured as soon as possible! Rather, the landscape of loss is one of the holiest spaces we can enter. Megan serves as our fearless, feisty, and profoundly compassionate guide.¡± ¡ªMirabai Starr, translator of Dark Night of the Soul: John of the Cross and author of Caravan of No Despair: A Memoir of Loss and Transformation
¡°This book is POWERFUL. Too many grief books focus on ¡®getting over it,¡¯ but this book says: ¡®Look grief in the eye. Sit with it.¡¯ It¡¯s OK That You¡¯re Not OK comes at grief with no flinching. It¡¯s intelligent and honest. It¡¯s a message that everyone who has ever dealt with loss needs to read.¡± ¡ªTheresa Reed, author of The Tarot Coloring Book
¡°Our current cultural norms surrounding death render us incapable of dealing with grief authentically and result in unknowingly causing more hurt and suffering to not only ourselves, but the people we care about most. It¡¯s OK That You¡¯re Not OK is the perfect how-to manual to help heal and support ourselves, each other, and our death-avoidant society.¡± ¡ªSarah Chavez, executive director of The Order of the Good Death
¡°Megan Devine knows grief intimately: she¡¯s a therapist and a widow. In this wonderfully honest and deeply generous book, Devine confronts the reality of grieving and reminds us that ¡®love is the thing that lasts.¡± ¡ªJessica Handler, author of Invisible Sisters: A Memoir and Braving the Fire: A Guide to Writing About Grief and Loss
¡°Megan Devine¡¯s hard-won wisdom has the power to normalize and validate the experience of grief. If you¡¯re tired of being asked, ¡®Are you better now?¡¯ read this book for a fresh perspective.¡± ¡ªChris Guillebeau, New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness of Pursuit
¡°Grief support and understanding that is heartfelt, straightforward, and wise.¡± ¡ªJack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart
¡°It¡¯s OK That You¡¯re Not OK is a wise and... necessary book. Megan Devine offers a loving, holistic, and honest vision of what it means to ¡®companion each other inside what hurts.¡± ¡ªSteve Edwards, author of Breaking into the Backcountry
¡°In a culture that leaves us all woefully unprepared to navigate grief, Megan Devine¡¯s book is a beacon for a better way of relating. It¡¯s OK That You¡¯re Not OK shows us the path to be companions, rather than saviors, to loved ones who are experiencing deep pain. This book should be required reading for being human.¡± ¡ªKate McCombs, relationship educator and creator of Tea & Empathy events
¡°Megan Devine tells the truth about loss, and in doing so, she normalizes an experience that has been censored and stigmatized. It¡¯s OK That You¡¯re Not OK is enormously comforting and validating. Through her life work¡ªand now this important book¡ªMegan leads us to a place that¡¯s rare in our culture: a place where our loss is valued and honored and heard.¡± ¡ªTre Miller Rodriguez, author of Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir
¡°One of the hardest things about going through hard times is trying to get and give support. In It¡¯s OK That You¡¯re Not OK Megan Devine guides us through tough times with grace. With loving acceptance and compassion, Megan is the new, warm perspective you need.¡± ¡ªVanessa Van Edwards, author of Captivate and behavioral investigator at ScienceofPeople.com
¡°Megan Devine shows us that rather than treat grief as an illness to recover from, we can approach it with warmth and understanding. This is an invaluable book.¡± ¡ªRene Denfeld, bestselling author of The Enchanted and The Child Finder
¡°This book is the radical take on grief we all need. Megan Devine breaks apart stereotypes and societal expectations that layer additional suffering on top of the intense heartbreak of loss. For those in grief, these words will bring comfort and a deep sense of recognition. With precise language, insightful reflections, and easy-to-implement suggestions, this book is a flashlight for finding a way in the darkest times. For anyone looking to support others in their grief, this is required reading!¡± ¡ªJana DeCristofaro, coordinator of Children¡¯s Grief Services, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families
Chapter Page
Foreword
by Mark Nepo xi
Acknowledgments xiii
Introduction xv
Part I This Is All Just as Crazy as You Think It Is
Chapter 1 The Reality of Loss 3
Chapter 2 The Second Half of the Sentence: Why Words of Comfort Feel So Bad 13
Chapter 3 It's Not You, it's Us: Our Models of Grief Are Broken 25
Chapter 4 Emotional Illiteracy and the Culture of Blame 39
Chapter 5 The New Model of Grief 57
Part II What to Do with Your Grief
Chapter 6 Living in the Reality of Loss 67
Chapter 7 You Can't Solve Grief, but You Don't Have to Suffer 85
Chapter 8 How (and Why) to Stay Alive 101
Chapter 9 What Happened to My Mind? Dealing with Grief's Physical Side Effects 117
Chapter 10 Grief and Anxiety: Calming Your Mind When Logic Doesn't Work 133
Chapter 11 What Does Art Have to Do with Anything? 149
Chapter 12 Find Your Own Image of "Recovery" 165
Part III When Friends and Family Don't Know What to Do
Chapter 13 Should You Educate or Ignore Them? 181
... Chapter 14 Rallying Your Support Team: Helping Them Help You 197
Part IV The Way Forward
Chapter 15 The Tribe of After: Companionship, True Hope, and the Way Forward 215
Chapter 16 Love Is the Only Thing That Lasts 229
Appendix: How to Help a Grieving Friend 237
Notes 243
Resources 247
About the Author 249